


just some scars from a life that used to trouble me

by fantasy_spoilers8



Series: sight of the sun [6]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Accidental acephobia, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Asexual John Laurens, Coming Out, Depression, Established Relationship, Henry Laurens' A+ Parenting, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Acephobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Miscommunication, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Esteem Issues, Sleep Deprivation, Songfic, Sort Of, Touch Aversion, Trans Alexander Hamilton, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, accidental transphobia, bless John hes just really confused, my boys need to go to bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-25
Updated: 2018-11-25
Packaged: 2019-08-29 02:23:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,452
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16735242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fantasy_spoilers8/pseuds/fantasy_spoilers8
Summary: Alex and John pull an all-nighter studying in the library, and end up staying up much later than they expected.It sounds sexy, but it's really, really not.-Or, the one where John and Alex share their scars with each other, and John learns something new about himself.





	just some scars from a life that used to trouble me

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> This takes place about one month after the previous fic, in November of Alex and John’s junior year of college.

“C’mon, John. It’s almost three o’clock in the morning. You need to go to sleep.”

Alex was much more used to not sleeping than his boyfriend was. With permanent bags under his eyes the color of an eggplant and a stomach perpetually filled with caffeine, Alex wouldn’t have to sleep for the next three hours at least. But his boyfriend was used to a much more human sleep schedule, and was proving to be extremely hard to wake up.

Alex nudged his boyfriend for the tenth time where he was slumped over his books.

“Mmnngh,” was John’s only reply with his head buried in his arms.

“John…”

John lifted his head and rubbed his eyes. Well, it started with him rubbing his eyes, and ended with him falling back to sleep with his face propped up by his hands.

The two of them were in the campus library pulling an all-nighter for their history exam the next day. Alex would’ve stayed all night, but he didn’t want the librarian to kick him out again like she had after the Legendary Midterms of 2016. Alex had stayed in the library for four straight days that week, leaving only to go take exams or refill his gigantic travel coffee mug. The librarian was not happy to say the least. She’d considered banning him for life after sleep deprivation during that week had made him spill coffee all over the entire biography section (an impressive feat indeed), but she’d settled for a week-long ban. Alex was eternally grateful, as the only other library within commuting distance was forty-five minutes away.

Tonight, John and Alex were the only ones left in the library, everyone else with an ounce of sanity having gone home long ago.

Alex nudged him again.

“John, do you really want to sleep in the library?”

“Yes,” came John’s voice, muffled from behind his hands. “I want to stay here for the rest of my life and never leave.”

“But if you never leave the library, who’ll help me kick Jefferson’s butt every time he says something stupid?”

John’s only response was a snore.

Alex leaned down and put his lips next to John’s ear.

“John,” he said in a sing-song voice. “They’re making a new turtle exhibit in the aquarium!”

John got up so fast he head-butted Alex in the face.

“Where?!”

Alex cackled so hard he bent over, clutching his stomach.

John shoved him in the shoulder. “Oh, fuck off. I’m up, I’m up.”

John staggered to his feet and packed all his books back into his bag.

Alex knew John really needed some sleep, but he felt very uneasy with the idea of John walking home alone. Hell, Alex didn’t feel comfortable with the idea of _himself_ walking home alone. It was wonderful going to school in the city, and he wouldn’t give it up for anything. But after midnight everything tended to go haywire, especially the subway system. Alex wouldn’t go out alone in their area this late at night if you paid him. Every week he heard horror stories of people being attacked or mugged because they’d been in the wrong place at the wrong time. Alex’s dorm was relatively close to the library they were in, but John’s was all the way on the other side of campus.

“Hey John,” Alex asked tentatively, “you wanna come back to my dorm? It’s closer, and my roomate’s out.”

John started to walk toward the exit and ran smack into a bookshelf.

“...And I really, really don’t think you should be walking home by yourself.” Alex added.

“What?” John asked groggily. “Oh, oh yeah, sure! That sounds good.”

They started to make their way out of the library and John began to chuckle.

“I can’t wait to steal all those fuzzy blankets you’re always bragging about.”

Alex groaned. “You’re already making me regret inviting you.”

 

* * *

 

They made it back to Alex’s dorm after what felt like an eternity. At this point, John was so exhausted he was heavily leaning on Alex with his face snuggled into his boyfriend’s neck.

Alex walked them inside the building, and when they got to Alex’s door he poked John’s side. “John, we’re here.”

John’s only response was more grumbles.

Alex fished his keys out of his pocket and slid his dorm key into the lock. He pushed the door open and ushered John inside.

John blearily looked around Alex’s dorm when he stepped inside and made a beeline for his roomate’s bed, throwing himself down on it face-first without even taking his coat off.

Alex chuckled. “John, don’t you think you should put some pajamas on? Or maybe- stop me if I’m being too unrealistic here- take off your shoes?”

John whined unintelligibly into the pillow.

Alex shook his head, incredibly amused by the fact that he was taking care of the man who constantly took care of him. He took out pajamas for both of them and handed the spare set to John. “Here, you can go change in the bathroom.”

John sat up with a huff and took the clothes. He apparently didn’t feel like he had the ability to move, so he started taking his clothes off right then and there. Alex turned bright red and knew he should turn away, but he was mesmerized by the strong planes of John’s chest, his toned stomach, the freckles dotting every inch of his tan skin, the harsh linear scars on his arms-

Wait.

“John...”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m going, I’m going, I promise.”

“John.”

“I’m putting them on as fast as I can, don’t get your panties in a twist, Alex.”

“ _John._ ”

John finally looked up at him, his eyes barely able to focus. “What? What is it?”

Alex sat down on the bed next to him. He had a feeling this was going to be a long conversation.

“John, what happened to your arms?” Alex was half-convincing himself it wasn’t what he thought. If John didn’t say it, it wouldn’t be real, it wouldn’t be happening-

“What?” John asked. He looked down at his arms and suddenly seemed much more awake. He looked at Alex with something akin to shame in his eyes. “I-”

He was cut off by Alex bringing him into a crushing hug. Alex held him like he thought that if he held him tight enough, nothing bad would ever happen.

Alex pulled back and cupped John’s face with one hand, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. “How long has this been going on?”

John pulled away and curled in on himself, grabbing his shirt and throwing it back on. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“John-”

John stood up and made as if to walk away, but Alex grabbed his arm.

“No, Alex, it’s no big deal.”

“John, I think you know that this is a big deal.”

John wrenched his arm out of Alex’s grip. “Why can’t you just _let it go?_ ” he practically shouted, his voice turning shrill, his features distorted with anguish.

John’s expression cleared as realization of what he had done dawned over his features. He clenched his jaw and sat heavily back down on the bed next to Alex, not quite meeting his eyes. “I- I’m sorry.”

Alex wanted to hug him again, but he forced his hands to stay where they were so John wouldn’t be startled. He was at a loss. He knew he had a history of being accidentally abrasive and uncaring by saying whatever popped into his head, and those were the last things he wanted to be right now. He wasn’t sure what to say without being offensive or making John feel exposed, but he had to know.

“Is this...is this an ongoing thing?” he asked.

 

* * *

 

John couldn’t believe how stupid he’d been.

_Yeah, just take your shirt off in front of your boyfriend! It’s not like your arms are fucking covered in self-harm scars or anything. That certainly won’t be cause for alarm._

John had always been careful with past significant others. He never let them look too close, never took his shirt off unless it was unavoidable, and even then, only in the dark. His gut reaction to Alex seeing such a vulnerable part of himself was to push him far, far away before he could get hurt. But a small part of John _wanted_ Alex to see. Call it naiveté, but a part of John felt like Alex might be the person he wanted to see _all_ of him, regardless of what other people thought.

“No, it’s not. It’s been a long time” John answered, lying through his teeth. It’s not like he wanted it to be a lie. It had been happening less often, but it wasn’t like it hadn’t happened in months.

Alex took a deep breath, almost like he was steeling himself. “You don’t have to tell me,” he began, “but I’d really like to know why.”

John leaned back onto the bed and dragged his hands down his face, acutely aware of his semi-bare arms. “Why does anyone, Alex? I was diagnosed with depression when I was sixteen. Granted, that was mostly because my father wanted to be able to put the blame on something other than himself for me becoming totally detached from my family, but still. A big part of it was realizing I liked guys the way I’m supposed to like girls, and knowing no one within a ten-mile radius would support me with it. Now that I’ve gotten out of that hellhole it’s been better, but not...not totally gone or anything.”

Alex laid down as well so they were face-to-face. He curled his fingers around John’s bicep and snuggled into him, his chin on John’s shoulder and their legs tangled together.

John was acutely aware of every place their bodies were touching. It made him feel a bit like he wanted to crawl out of his skin, but he didn’t want to offend Alex by saying anything.

He must have flinched, because Alex asked, “Do you not want me to touch you?”

John hesitated. “Well- I mean, no, but it’s alright-”

Alex immediately let go of his arm and sat up again. “John, please don’t hesitate to tell me if anything I do bothers you, ok? Literally. Anything at all. I’m really bad at that. I don’t realize when I’m doing something that bothers someone else. I promise, just tell me, I’ll try to stop it if I can.”

John felt his heart plummet, and he hastily sat up. “No, no, really, it’s fine-”

Alex gave him a small smile. “I won’t do anything you don’t want me to, sweetheart.”

John was tense. Many, many people had said the same thing and gone back on it. Right now it was as simple as a cuddle, but soon Alex would get fed up with him when he realized John _never_ wanted to be touched in certain ways, that he was a freak, that he had absolutely no interest in the thing people said made them feel alive-

“Listen, John,” Alex said, cutting into John’s train of thought. “First and foremost, I want you to know that I’m here for you no matter what. Of course I’m upset that you self-harm, but not for the reason you’re thinking. It...it makes me extremely upset to think about you hurting yourself. You certainly don’t need to be ashamed of having a mental illness, though.”

John couldn’t believe what he was hearing. The last boyfriend he’d had had taken one look at his scars and ranted for hours about how John was giving in, how he was weak, how he just needed to be _normal_ and everything would be fine…

John let out a hollow laugh. “I…thank you, Alex.”

“So,” Alex said, propping his head up on his elbows. “Are you in therapy? Do you take any medication?”

“No,” said John hesitantly. “I mean, therapy’s for crazy people, and medicine just turns you into a vegetable-”

Alex looked like he was biting down a wave of retorts. “Well, that’s not- who told you that?”

John was confused. “My...my dad?”

Alex let out a deep breath. “Well that explains a lot. Ok, here’s the short version: therapy’s not for crazy people. If you need it, medication can really be a lifesaver, especially if you have day-to-day symptoms and you have a psychiatrist who’s not a complete ass. Therapy isn’t for everyone, but I’ve been going for the past three years, and-”

“ _You what?!_ ”

Alex stopped. “Well, yeah.”

John felt like his eyes were going to bug out of his head. Alex had gone to therapy? But why? Part of John instinctively felt the need to condemn Alex’s therapy, but he forced it down and chose to focus on the fact that for the first time, he was in a relationship with someone who was messed up in the same way he was.

“But...why?”

Alex bit his lip. “I’m...pretty fucked up.”

John didn’t want to feel happy about that, but he did. He wasn’t alone.

“Like how?” he prompted. He couldn’t help himself. He had to know.

“Well,” Alex began, “I’ve got some pretty bad PTSD from my super-shitty childhood. You ever notice how I kind of shut myself out from the world whenever there’s a bad storm?”

John suddenly remembered a day from a couple weeks ago. There was an exceptionally loud storm that day, and many of the roads were even closed due to the flooding. All his texts to Alex went unanswered. Herc had opened the door to Alex’s dorm when John came by, and told John Alex wasn’t feeling well. John had bought the lie, and hadn’t come to see Alex until the next day.

“Yeah, I guess I do.”

“Well that’s because of a hurricane that hit my island when I was a kid. Don’t really want to get into detail, but the whole place was wrecked, everyone I- everyone died, etcetera, etcetera.”

Alex looked as if he was trying to be extremely blasé about the whole thing, but John could tell it was a much deeper trauma than he was admitting. His hands shook as he talked.

“I also have some pretty bad anxiety, social and otherwise, and a shitton of other issues from my fucked up family life.”

“And, of course, there’s…” Alex’s voice trailed off and he glanced at John, seemingly trying to gauge his reaction to something.

“Oh, fuck it.” Alex said under his breath, looking at John head-on. “I’m trans.”

And just like that, John was totally out of his element. “You’re...what?”

“Transgender. Have you ever heard of that before?”

John wracked his brain, mentally going through every rant he ever heard his father make about how ' _the gays are ruining the country...'._

“Is that like a transvestite?”

Alex flinched, his eyes downcast again. “Um, sort of?”

“So you like to dress up in women’s clothes?”

Alex always did this thing, no matter who he was talking to, where he made himself look taller. He never looked his real size, which was actually quite small, as his pride and enthusiasm made him seem leagues taller than whoever he was next to. But for the first time in the year or so John had known him, Alex was shrinking.

Abashedly, John tried to take back what he had said. “I’m sorry, I just- I really don’t know what I’m talking about.”

Alex continued to stare resolutely at a spot on the carpet.

“Hey,” said John in the softest voice he could manage. He tilted Alex’s chin up with his fingers so he could look into his eyes. “Talk to me?”

Alex grimaced. “In the thread of revealing our scars, I guess I should just show you.”

Alex took off his shirt, and John was even more confused than before.

Alex had two angry-looking horizontal scars, like surgical incisions, running underneath his pecs.

“Is that…” John started to ask. “Are those like mine?”

Alex shook his head. He looked at John with the closest expression to fear John had ever seen cross his face. “I was born in a biologically female body, but I’ve always known that I’m a guy. Once I turned 18, I had top surgery, that’s what these are from, and I started HRT, that’s like, like, synthetic hormones that make me physically look and physically feel like I am. Like a guy. And I go to therapy for all the other stuff I have, but also because even though I had surgery and I’m on HRT, my dysphoria can sometimes still rear its head- that’s like, the opposite of euphoria? But it’s gender-based, it’s like whenever someone mistakes me for a girl or I think too much about all the curves my body has I just feel this wave of anxiety and disorientation and this urge to claw my skin off and- yeah,” Alex ended lamely as he realized he was rambling.

“And that’s called...transgender?”

“Well, yeah. John, do you know _anything_ about the LGBTQ+ community?”

“I really, really feel like I should know what you’re talking about, but I- I don’t. I’m sorry.”

“No, no, it’s ok! I’m guessing where you were growing up they didn’t have much besides ‘straight’ and ‘going to hell’?”

“Yeah,” John laughed without humor. “Pretty much.”

“Ok, so there are all sorts of subcategories other than ‘straight’ and ‘gay.’ There’s bisexual, which is the B, which is what I am,” he gave a little wave, “hi there…”

Alex went on to give a long ramble about all the different LGBTQ+ identities. He started pacing and gesticulating wildly as he explained the difference between gender identity, sexuality, and romantic orientation, and was starting to get into the ace spectrum when John finally stopped him.

“Ok, wait, wait, hold on,” John said, fiercely rubbing at his eyes from where he sat cross-legged on the bed. “Please bear with me, I’m not used to running on pure caffeine at four thirty in the morning while trying to understand an entire community. But did you just say ‘asexual’? Like plants?”

Alex laughed. “Don’t let Eliza hear you say that.”

John furrowed his brow. “So Eliza’s...that?”

“Yep,” said Alex. “And proud too, so don’t give her any shit about it.”

“No,” said John, “Of course I won’t, but...is there really a whole community of people who aren’t sexually attracted to other people?”

 _Could this be_ \- No. No way. No _way_ was there a word for the way John felt his entire life.

“Yeah, definitely,” said Alex. “Like I said, there’s a whole host of other identities other than gay and straight-”

“No, no, I get that part,” John interrupted, “But asexuality is actually a thing? You’re not making this up or anything?”

Alex looked at him, wide-eyed. “No, of course not.”

John felt a lump forming in his throat, but he wasn’t sad. He started to laugh, great big deep guffaws, until tears were streaming down his face and he wasn’t sure if he was crying or laughing anymore.

“John?” he heard out of the corner of his mind. “John, can I hug you?”

John turned to look at Alex and hugged him instead. “ _Thank you._ ”

“Um, sure?” Alex said, sounding extremely confused. “Are you alright?”

“Yes!” John laughed, wiping tears from his eyes. “I’m just- I’m _that,_ I’m ace, and I’m really happy, and I’m also really, really fucking tired.”

Alex was silent, and John felt dread seeping into his bones. He pulled back from Alex to look him in the eye.

“That...that is ok with you, right? I’m just over the moon because I didn’t know there was a word for it, I thought I was some freak, but- but if you want to date someone who’ll have sex with you,” John’s voice started to crack, “I- I totally understand that-”

“NO!” Alex practically screamed at him. “Of course I don’t care whether you’re ace, it just threw me for a loop, I was so focused on getting you to understand everything I didn’t realize you’d actually identify as something other than gay-”

Alex cut himself off and looked at John with trepidation.

“By the way,” Alex started tentatively, “since you like guys, are you...you still like me, right?” His voice had gotten so quiet by the end of the sentence John could barely hear him.

John laid his hands on Alex’s shoulders. “Of course I do. I may not understand everything you were talking about, but you’re a guy, right?”

Alex smiled. “Yeah.”

“Then we’re good. Now, for the love of god, can we please get some fucking sleep?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

**Author's Note:**

> They’re definitely not perfect, but they’re trying. Thank you so much for reading, guys! Please comment below if you loved it, hated it, want to share some random tidbit about your life, or feel I portrayed anything inaccurately or offensively. And kudos always make me smile, so if you enjoyed it, I'd love it if you'd leave one!


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